Tonight I found something I’ve been searching for over the past few months. (Odd how little ol’ me living in an apartment by myself can lose things.)
As I’ve mentioned before, two years ago my therapist had me cut out a motivational phrase each day and post it in a notebook. Tonight I found the notebook. Sometimes looking back can be triggering, but it was interesting to flip through those pages tonight. Over nearly seven months, I learned to recognize that my struggle was real, that I was willing to fight, and that I could believe in myself.
And as much as right now I struggle every time I remember my therapist, I still wish I could have said goodbye. I ache inside. I miss her. And it isn’t because I need her anymore, it is simply because of how important to me she was.
Stuck inside the notebook are notes from people who have supported me, notes to myself, jottings about good days and rough days… It is odd to look back and see where one was a few years ago. At this time last year I was in Europe and went the longest period of time without contact with my therapist in two and half years. Here I am a year later, two months out of therapy and doing the best I can.
I found this that I had printed out and read over and over and over again – reblogged from dontwanttobeanorexic:
If you’re on a meal plan, break it in a positive way;
just the once,
and then again.
One week go longer without an appointment, just as a one-off. You might surprise yourself at how well you cope.
Write about how you remember yourself before your eating disorder,
make a list of things you want in recovery that aren’t based on food or weight,
find some quotes that mean something to you.
Stop weighing yourself,
eat cake on your birthday
don’t go for that walk your head tells you you should go on, in fact don’t do what your ED head tells you at all.
Remember that when your thoughts get bad and the voice gets loud, that is because you are winning.
Focus less on being ‘recovered’ and more on the here and now.
I know it’s a bit cliche but recovery is a journey;
don’t expect walls to vanish, first let them move.
Your struggles don’t vanish, they evolve and move.
Remember everything you need is already inside of you
and that although you fear recovering, you don’t fear being recovered.
Spend less time alone,
do things for the right reasons,
be honest with yourself
and don’t have regret for time lost or you’ll just end up losing more;
it’s never too late.
Watch movies, watch stand-up comedy,
if you can’t concentrate well, don’t get angry with yourself – focus on getting better and being able to in the future.
Find something that means more to you, really means more.
put a lot of faith in someone else, trust someone else – you can take more of that responsibility later on –
sometimes you believe in yourself by having others believe in you.
One day you’ll see what they see.
Laugh at yourself,
and don’t forget that comparison is the thief of joy.
Set food challenges.
Remember that just because you are eating doesn’t mean you are fine,
nor does it mean your eating is.
When your weight is in a healthy range it’s not the end.
B a b y s t e p s though,
or if you want, giant leaps – we all work differently.
Some need to take the plunge.
Some weeks you might leap forwards, others a tiny step is enough.
Heck sometimes standing still is an achievement –
pat yourself on the back.
Push too hard, you might fall,
Push too little you might too.
I know it’s a hard act to balance, but you can do it.
Make mistakes and don’t try to erase them;
learn from them.
Challenging yourself and struggling with your thoughts is hard,
but not doing so and missing out is worse;
Having a meal out with your family is better than staying at home whilst they go.
Just know your limits. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Read ‘Tuesday’s with Morrie’, take long baths, snuggle up in bed and watch TV. Ask someone for a hug, smile at a stranger. Laugh for no reason at all. Cry if you want, scream if you need. Feelings are just feelings, don’t be afraid. They are a part of you but they do not define you. Feel them, watch them pass, they will not stay forever.
Don’t be ashamed to say anything,
and don’t blame yourself – this is an illness (but that’s not an excuse neither).
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers;
it’s a hard thing to learn but when it boils down to it, this is your life and it’s down to you –
people might walk away.
When shit happens in life, which it does, that’s not a free pass to let your eating disorder win –
let it push you forwards;
you need to be strong to cope and that means eating.
I know it won’t feel like it, but it’s worth it.
I know it won’t feel like it, but every step, positive or negative, is a part of your recovery;
you are always learning,
and one day you’ll see it like pieces of a jigsaw fitting together.
Never give up.
Everything happens for a reason,
and that reason is usually you.
I continue to search for motivational quotes. I pin them on Pinterest, text them to friends, or now that I have this blog, I blog about them.
The hard part is the learning.