Holidays are hard. Maybe they won’t always be hard. But for now they are.
I’m sitting here trying to pinpoint why… And maybe I shouldn’t be worried about why they are hard.
It is like a race.
You get yourself ready – gifts, dressed, emotionally and mentally prepared.
And then you do it. You lace up your shoes. You are moving. You are doing this. But there is no moment in running when it becomes effortless. At every moment there is concentration and focus.
And the holiday are the same. What takes me by surprise is I don’t expect them to be. I expect to come to my family’s home and just be. But it doesn’t work that way. It takes energy and focus.
Like running I get better at it.
And I’m sure like running there will be days that it feels effortless. But I’m not there yet.
So for now it is an effort. It is a huge effort to sit here in the basement of my parents’ home in the same room as my dad. Should it be? We could argue about that all day. The temptation to tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling is huge.
But the fact is I am feeling what I’m feeling. Whether I like it or not… or should be feeling it or not… None of that is under my control.
What I can control is what I do with the feelings, if I accept them, if I fight them, if I let myself care for myself or not.
It is okay to be me. It is okay that this is the way I am.
I don’t need to justify it. I don’t need anyone to understand it. (My friends who texted and asked who I was doing I told them I was doing fine.) And I will be fine.
There are just hard moments. And it is who we are through the hard moments that shows what we are made of.