Not Going Back

Every day I’m stronger. Every day I’m a new person.

And it is a new year.

But the past haunts me.

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I have valued the lessons for a long time. I know I’m not the same person. And in many ways I’m better for it.

I know now what it like to hurt. I know what it is like to feel pain to the point you no longer want to feel it. I know what it is like to try to mask that pain and prefer to feel any other pain than the one that you can’t seem to face.

I’ve been there. And while I never pretend to fully understand what another person is going through, I can relate more than I ever would have been able to without these experiences.

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Further, I am different… not only because of the transformation I went through to conquer these challenges… but because I wouldn’t have been this way without going through these experiences. I am more gentle, more patient, more kind, than I would have been without the challenges I have faced.

Every day is new. I’ve reached a new point in my life and it is exciting.

But there is the nagging fear – what if I go back?

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I know I’m not going back now. I have fought to find my motivations. I have motivations that get me through the toughest days – even the holidays.

But the fact remains, that somehow I ended up there in the first place.

At the end of this year, I had the opportunity to look back as I like to do at the end of the year. I looked back with new eyes on the whole story to see why it happened in the first place.

But now it is time to move on. And day by day I’m trying to let go of the fear of it all happening again, of facing something that is bigger than me, that I can’t handle – that sends me back to where I was.

But every day I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone who is different, who is stronger, and who knows how to face the challenges of life. I am no longer the little girl I was who didn’t have tools or resources to face the challenges that life presented.

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Here’s a to a new year living free of fear.

Happy New Year!

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