Lessons…

2016 is a brand new opportunity for me. I have a lot of goals and dreams for this year. It is a clean slate… Something like that song “Unwritten”…

I know I sound like a broken record about finishing therapy. But it was a pretty big deal… Basically my whole life is different than it has ever been. I was always guilty of “waiting” to finish therapy. No matter how much I tried not to see it as a goal to be conquered, I somehow couldn’t convince myself.

And let’s face it, my life has never been as it is now.

I grew up in a home with a bipolar parent. I didn’t know it and only when I was finally told when I was 16 years old did all the missing pieces of my childhood fit in. (Yes, I freak out on my students when they casually use the term “bipolar.”)

I am a PERFECTIONIST. I’m also pretty reserved and very sensitive.

I was taught to deny my feelings because I was ashamed of being a crybaby and being a disappointment.

So now, through a 3.5 year process I’ve learned a lot – I’ve learned who I am, how to identify and accept my feelings, how to accept and love the family I have, how to talk to myself and cope in a healthy way… It isn’t perfect. It is a process.

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And here is what I’ve learned in the last few months:

  • I am capable of way more than I thought I was. (And I thought I had already learned that.)
  • If I was strong enough to stick with therapy, I’m strong enough to continue on my own.
  • I can stop picking at my face (unhealthy coping mechanism). My face was perfectly clear on January 1st.
  • I threw up once – it wasn’t worth it.
  • My weight is up (probably all muscle weight) but it is something.
  • I saw my primary care doctor and he is really pleased with my current health. (It is always horribly nerve wrecking to go see him.)
  • I have an amazing support system.
  • It was time.
  • There are people we have to let go from our life. It is never easy but sometimes it is necessary. (And it isn’t a failure.)
  • I might not ever like carbs. It might be an eating disorder thing; it might not be. I’ll probably never know.
  • do not miss paying for therapy.
  • I still have more healing to do and that is okay. I don’t have to pretend to myself or others than I’m all okay now that I’m out of therapy.
  • I might always miss my therapist… I wanted to get upset with her about not finishing properly but the truth is I owe her way to much. I will be forever grateful.
  • I am different.
  • Family holidays are hard. They may always be hard. They are hard for a lot of people. And that is okay.
  • Dating is more difficult than I imagined. But I’m willing to learn to try to figure that out.
  • I have the necessary tools and if one day I realize I don’t – all I have to do is reach out for help.
  • I’m not going back.
  • I want to always be able to run… but I’m hoping that the lessons I’m learning through running will teach me to be okay if one day I can’t run.
  • I need to get more sleep (probably starting right now).
  • I have a beautiful life.
  • It isn’t worth it to be stingy about the heating bill.
  • God is holding me.

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle. -Christian D. Larson

 

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