2016 is a brand new opportunity for me. I have a lot of goals and dreams for this year. It is a clean slate… Something like that song “Unwritten”…
I know I sound like a broken record about finishing therapy. But it was a pretty big deal… Basically my whole life is different than it has ever been. I was always guilty of “waiting” to finish therapy. No matter how much I tried not to see it as a goal to be conquered, I somehow couldn’t convince myself.
And let’s face it, my life has never been as it is now.
I grew up in a home with a bipolar parent. I didn’t know it and only when I was finally told when I was 16 years old did all the missing pieces of my childhood fit in. (Yes, I freak out on my students when they casually use the term “bipolar.”)
I am a PERFECTIONIST. I’m also pretty reserved and very sensitive.
I was taught to deny my feelings because I was ashamed of being a crybaby and being a disappointment.
So now, through a 3.5 year process I’ve learned a lot – I’ve learned who I am, how to identify and accept my feelings, how to accept and love the family I have, how to talk to myself and cope in a healthy way… It isn’t perfect. It is a process.
And here is what I’ve learned in the last few months:
- I am capable of way more than I thought I was. (And I thought I had already learned that.)
- If I was strong enough to stick with therapy, I’m strong enough to continue on my own.
- I can stop picking at my face (unhealthy coping mechanism). My face was perfectly clear on January 1st.
- I threw up once – it wasn’t worth it.
- My weight is up (probably all muscle weight) but it is something.
- I saw my primary care doctor and he is really pleased with my current health. (It is always horribly nerve wrecking to go see him.)
- I have an amazing support system.
- It was time.
- There are people we have to let go from our life. It is never easy but sometimes it is necessary. (And it isn’t a failure.)
- I might not ever like carbs. It might be an eating disorder thing; it might not be. I’ll probably never know.
- I do not miss paying for therapy.
- I still have more healing to do and that is okay. I don’t have to pretend to myself or others than I’m all okay now that I’m out of therapy.
- I might always miss my therapist… I wanted to get upset with her about not finishing properly but the truth is I owe her way to much. I will be forever grateful.
- I am different.
- Family holidays are hard. They may always be hard. They are hard for a lot of people. And that is okay.
- Dating is more difficult than I imagined. But I’m willing to learn to try to figure that out.
- I have the necessary tools and if one day I realize I don’t – all I have to do is reach out for help.
- I’m not going back.
- I want to always be able to run… but I’m hoping that the lessons I’m learning through running will teach me to be okay if one day I can’t run.
- I need to get more sleep (probably starting right now).
- I have a beautiful life.
- It isn’t worth it to be stingy about the heating bill.
- God is holding me.
Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle. -Christian D. Larson