Dear X,

Stereotypical? Yes. But let’s face it this blog is much more about me than the readers (at least today on this mid-January, full moon, that time of the month, cold, grey day.) 

Dear Future Husband,

I don’t know who you are. And quite frankly right now that I’m dating someone, I’m not sure how interested I am in this whole thing. AKA, I’m freaking out a bit. But don’t worry I’ll get through that.

In the meantime there a few things you need to know about me.

When you meet me you will certainly notice a few things, but there are things that you won’t see. It will take me time to share them with you. But if you are the right one, I know it will come.

I’m smart. I never believed this about myself, especially in comparison to my siblings. I never feel confident enough in my abilities, which luckily keeps me from being too proud. Probably the worst advice I ever got from a friend was that I need to “dumb it down” when I’m dating someone because I’m too intimidating. (I’m not really sure how that is supposed to work – we get married and all of the sudden I’m super intelligent?!?) I like to think. Many call me complicated. It runs in the family.

I tend to be sure of myself. I usually know what I want. I’m quick to find a solution. I’m used to managing 30 teenagers all at once (or 9 children back in my nannying days). I’ve learned through experience to let go of what isn’t essential (a bit of a feat for a control freak). But I want more than anything for you to take charge, to be someone I respect and trust, so I can stop controlling everything. (It gets tiring.)

I’m sensitive. More sensitive than perhaps you will ever know. I was a crybaby as a child, and now I’ve finally learned the value of tears. That sensitivity also makes me fiercely loyal – to the point that I often get hurt by people because they know no matter what I won’t turn on them. I’ve learned to give myself the space I need and love from a distance when necessary.

I’m a runner. But I run because I love it and because it helps me be a better person.

I’m thin. And I have an eating disorder. I’m terrified to tell you that, but my friend who also has an eating disorder assures me that if you are the right one it won’t matter. I’m doing much better and I keep learning every day.

It takes time for me to let people in. I’ve been hurt before. I’m healing. But the scars are there. There things that I freak out about that aren’t such a big deal, but they are a big deal to me.

I  have a great family. But my mom is bipolar. You’ll have to meet her before I tell you that. She is amazing and I adore her. And there are also days I don’t want to be anywhere near her. It is a process and I’m learning.

I love passionately. I’ve learned to love myself. And I will learn to love you. It will take time because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of going back, but little by little I’m stronger and stronger. And I already know without having met you – that you are worth the risk.

I needed these years, this time to find myself. For a long time I longed to meet you, but I wasn’t ready. I had to find myself first. I had to love myself first, so that I could let you love me.

I dream about our future.

Love,

N.

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