No, not him.
There are two layers of triggers for me.
I don’t know what to expect out of recovery. I tend to have unrealistic expectations. I prefer to be unrealistically optimistic and see where it gets me. I may dream too much about a miraculous better-than-ever-could-be-expected recovery.
The tricky thing about eating disorder recovery is that it is often defined as no longer resorting to eating disorder behaviors. And eating disorder behaviors mirror so closely normal life.
The doubt settles in – did I just not have a second piece of pizza because I am just a normal person who is watching what I eat or did I not have the second piece of pizza because I’m restricting? Do I really not like carbs (because I feel gross when I eat them)? Or is that also a trick of the eating disorder?
I don’t know the answers. I’m sure with time I will find some. Some questions may go unanswered.
So, back to the triggers. There are two levels.
There are food triggers – pretty much get me every time. They make me nervous – not anxious, just uneasy.
- Pasta: The worst one. I can eat it (especially lasagna) but it is the hardest food for me.
- Party spreads – chips and dips, munchies…
- Desserts (except cookies! 🙂
- Waffles, pancakes, french toast
Then, there are the situational triggers:
- My mom’s bad days… when the bipolar is evident.
- Anger of others – in general but particularly directed towards me
- Changes in plans
- New relationships
Feeling triggered is hard… The actual situation isn’t that hard to deal with. It is the domino effect it sets off inside of fear of relapse.
But we keep going – one day at a time.