Triggers

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No, not him.

These.

There are two layers of triggers for me.

I don’t know what to expect out of recovery. I tend to have unrealistic expectations. I prefer to be unrealistically optimistic and see where it gets me. I may dream too much about a miraculous better-than-ever-could-be-expected recovery.

The tricky thing about eating disorder recovery is that it is often defined as no longer resorting to eating disorder behaviors. And eating disorder behaviors mirror so closely normal life.

The doubt settles in – did I just not have a second piece of pizza because I am just a normal person who is watching what I eat or did I not have the second piece of pizza because I’m restricting? Do I really not like carbs (because I feel gross when I eat them)? Or is that also a trick of the eating disorder?

I don’t know the answers. I’m sure with time I will find some. Some questions may go unanswered.

So, back to the triggers. There are two levels.

There are food triggers – pretty much get me every time. They make me nervous – not anxious, just uneasy.

  • Pasta: The worst one. I can eat it (especially lasagna) but it is the hardest food for me.
  • Pizza
  • Bread
  • Party spreads – chips and dips, munchies…
  • Desserts (except cookies! 🙂
  • Hamburgers
  • Potatoes
  • Waffles, pancakes, french toast

 

Then, there are the situational triggers:

  • My mom’s bad days… when the bipolar is evident.
  • Anger of others – in general but particularly directed towards me
  • Changes in plans
  • New relationships
  • Loneliness

 

Feeling triggered is hard… The actual situation isn’t that hard to deal with. It is the domino effect it sets off inside of fear of relapse.

But we keep going – one day at a time.

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2 thoughts on “Triggers

  1. Thank you for the honest post- I was in the same place as you regarding recovery and learning what I did and didn’t genuinely like. For years is convinced myself that I hated pasta but really I love it. It wasn’t until I was exposed to eating it regularly that I could see what was real. The perfect recovery doesn’t exist but we all see it as this amazing place where everything is better, realistically it’s a long journey where things gradually get better with some stumbles and falls along the way. But keep going because it does get easier and that amazing place does exist, it’s not a real place but it’s a sense of freedom. If suggest keeping a journal and when you have the thoughts challenge them. If you turn down the second piece of pizza really ask yourself why, maybe you weren’t hungry but maybe their was more going on inside. Keep going and you will begin to answer your own questions.
    Follow my blog, there are lots of things on recovery and my journey.
    M x

    1. Thanks, M! I too believe that place exists. I have a hidden Pinterest board called “Free One Day!” with all my motivations and phrases that are the thoughts I want in my head rather than disordered thoughts. I’ve learned little by little to, yes, challenge the thoughts – like you say… But also to learn to let the conversation go and just focus my mental energy on who I want to be, on being healthy, and on my dreams and goals.
      Thanks for stopping by and your words of encouragement! I honestly wrote this blog because I needed to talk to someone about it, so your response means the world to me!

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