Dear Mumma

Dear Mom,

I want more than anything in the world to write a sappy Facebook post today. I want to tell you how much I love you. And how much you mean to me.

Yesterday my best friend was asking me if Mother’s Day is hard for me. I answered promptly, “yes.” But I struggled to find the words as to why today is so difficult.

The real challenge is wanting to love you. Mom, I want to curl up in your arms and let go. I want to put my head on your shoulder and know that everything is okay in this world. I want to call and cry, laugh, and vent. I want to let you into my world. But I can’t.

Mom, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around you, around your illness, around all that I have lived.

When I was nearly 17 I found out about your illness. Everything made sense, but I didn’t know how to process. I shut it down. I pretended nothing was different. And little by little I’ve been learning to accept, to process, and to learn to live with this.

Mom, you don’t have to be afraid. You are so afraid of stigma, so afraid of people knowing. You don’t have to be. People respect you more when they know the fight you are up against. I wish you would accept it, acknowledge it, but I understand your choice. It is hard. I feel like your life could be different.

Mom, I’m trying. I’m trying to love you. Sometimes I can’t handle it. Sometimes I think I’m inventing it all. Sometimes I think it is all in my head. I’m trying to accept the way you are. And I’m trying to accept a reality that you won’t acknowledge.

Mom, I am upset that I can’t know who you really are. I’m hurt from years of not understanding why you couldn’t be there for me. I hurt when I see you hurting.

But mom, I LOVE YOU! I wouldn’t change you for the world.  You are sweet, you are sensitive, and you adore my father.

Sorry I can’t write the sappy Facebook post. Sorry I sometimes love my “second mumma” more than you and it is easier for me to be with her.

Each day I try a little bit harder. Each day I take another step forward.

I love you forever!

Love, your favorite, 😉

N

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