Write my heart out…

All I want to do right now is write my heart out… which is actually a really, really good sign. It means I am feeling. It means I am processing. I LOVE travel, but the last two months haven’t  given me a ton of time to process what is going on. And I think that was providential. So I am beyond proud of myself (because I allow myself to feel that way now), for taking time this weekend to slow down, fight through the headaches, and find myself.

And I made it through Mother’s Day, in one piece… without feeling guilty for not being with my mom because today I wasn’t ready. I think I’ll get ice cream with her this week. 🙂 Because ice cream instead of lunch is our thing. (Did I ever mention my mother wasn’t exactly the greatest exemplar of good eating habits?) And I let myself blog about my mom and her bipolar, another pretty big step because I am so afraid of being misunderstood on that one. I’m so afraid of people judging or not understanding my hurt.

I have a friend right now who is going through a lot. She was raped years ago and is finally facing it. My phone calls with her are hard. They are triggering because they make me desire to have someone to lean on again, and I constantly have to remind myself that I have the support system I need but I can depend on myself. It is a good exercise but a tiring one. She is spinning in circles right now and was even suicidal a few weeks ago and a lot of what she says brings back negative memories.

In some ways I feel like I have nothing to complain about compared with her, but at the same time it makes me realize how deeply I did struggle, how rough it was, that it was real… And how happy I am to realize I am different. It is odd how that validation is comforting nonetheless…

I’m pretty sure I’m going to go back to therapy soon… Not because I’m relapsing… On the contrary I’m actually resorting to eating disordered behaviors less and less. But I’m about to go through some pretty big transitions in my personal life and my job and I think it would be a pretty good idea to have some extra tools to face that. Isn’t it interesting how dramatically my perspective on therapy has changed? I’m pretty sure I will call in the next week or so… or in June. But I know I will know when it is the right time. I was going to call last week when God put two people in my life to give me great advice and perspective, so I took that as His was of saying to hold on for the moment.

Speaking of Him, I am amazed to see how He is helping me in this recovery. A few months ago I spoke with a priest, and at the end of our conversation the priest asked if he could pray with me. He proceeded to pray aloud asked God over and over again, “In His name…” to help me, heal me, take away the disorder, etc. And it was just this weekend that I realized that since then I have really made significant progress. It has become one of my favorite prayers.

Tonight my best friend texted me and I want to save it forever. I shared with her that I got through today okay but that I just want to be able to let my guard down around my mom, and this was her response:

“Not now you can’t. But you will both be in heaven and when you go she’ll be waiting. She’s going to have a couch picked out and a spot waiting for you. And when you get there she’s going to hold you and ask you to tell her everything. She adores you! A cross is carried by many. It is a result of sin entering the world. If you embrace it, it will bring you closer to God. In heaven all will be as it was supposed to be! Your mom was never taken from you. She’s still there and when this cross is lifted… When you see her in heaven… You WILL have her completely – no secrets, no backlashes, no fear! I can’t wait! She’s all yours now and for all eternity. God gave her to you… This  cross is what makes you special. It pushes you to reach for others. It makes you who you are today! You are so incredibly special, N! God has blessed you in so many ways. It’s like he holds you extra close because he knows the cross you’re carrying is heavy. When you cry he sends people into the chapel. He gives you your “second family” to show you love. Hang in there, N! You have so much to give and I know you and your mom are going to love heaven!!! All will be well!”

Then she added:

“N, I was thinking yesterday. If the only reason God gave me my dad with all the abuse was to able to be friend with you and relate to you… I would take it all over again! It would be worth it to me to be able to love you more. That’s the beauty of the cross.”

And that is the beauty of friendship.

And that is the beauty that I hope I can share with at least one person who I can understand because of the ache in my own heart.

My heart aches…

But my heart is full.

And my eyes are full of tears – of both sorrow and joy.


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