Rough

I’ve got a tough time with that one… admitting that things are rough.

I always have. I don’t feel justified saying that things are really rough – because honestly who am I to complain?

What’s going on:

  • New therapist: building trust… three sessions in… just when  you are getting to the tough stuff.
  • New boss: an individual I  used to have a very hard time with… we are building good rapport…
  • Goodbye to my old boss/mentor: goodbyes suck. Period.
  • Transition: facing and healing old hurts… dealing with turnover and passing the baton in all sorts of directions
  • Mom: yeah you know that mental illness she has – yeah it rears its ugly head more than I’d like it to… and somehow I manage to get shocked by it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
  • Last Friday: that fight I had – yeah the emotions I was left with when I got hung up on – those were hard… hadn’t felt that way in a long time…
  • Family vacation: as in the whole family – including the future sister-in-law… not my walk in the park… this weekend…

Big stuff? Not really when compared with fatal illnesses, poverty, war, etc. But these are my challenges. They are heavy. Pretending they aren’t heavy doesn’t help make them any lighter.

On the contrary, when I acknowledge that it is difficult, overwhelming, and challenging – but I also acknowledge that I’m okay, I’m not alone, I’m fighting. I don’t like that it is this hard for me. But denying that it is hard doesn’t make it an easier.

But in  facing it I can also acknowledge:

  • I’m thrilled I’ve found a new therapist who seems to get me right away – is pushing me just hard enough… And is so focused on the healing that needs to take place and reassures me that the path through all the tough stuff of therapy is to healing.
  • I have a new opportunity to reinvent myself at work, to have a more professional relationship, and to begin again.
  • I have something that makes saying goodbye that hard… Winnie the Pooh is not cliche.
  • I have the opportunity to heal – and I have found some amazing support in a priest and spiritual director… who I have such a hard time reaching out to – and he is so reassuring and available… showing me that God is watching out for me.
  • I’m learning to accept mom’s illness.
  • I got through the emotions. Yes it was hard. But I am still here – and I know a little bit more about myself.
  • This year I am going on vacation – last year I couldn’t yet. And I love my new sister.

The months ahead are going to be a challenge. But life is a challenge. I know how to navigate this. I have to allow the hard moments to be hard – but not forget all the beauty going on at the same time. This last year has brought a lot of change… if I wait for peace that wouldn’t be living. It is the deep, interior peace that counts.

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