I’m facing what feels like the most difficult challenge I’ve been through in my life. Objectively, from an outsider’s perspective, that may seem overly dramatic and just downright incorrect. However, as a master in avoiding feeling for about 90% of my life… the fact that I am letting myself feel through this challenge and simultaneously saying goodbye to my “person”… makes this a truly unique situation.
No one has any advice for me. No one has any solutions. Everyone just tells me to keep going. Take it one day at a time. Live the moment. Accept the struggle.
So here are my top 20 ways I’ve gotten through the last week:
- This. Ann Voskamp is one of my favorite authors and EVERYTHING she has posted on her Facebook this week has been exactly what I needed to hear.
- A text from a friend who I rarely communicate with on the hardest day of this week (and probably of the last few months) saying she prayed for me in adoration that morning.
- A text from my old roommate later in the week letting me know she was praying for me.
- The excitement of the new opportunity of coaching cross country. (More on that later.)
- My best friend calling and telling me she knew there was nothing she could say but she is there for me and she knows I will get through because I’ve gotten through everything in the past.
- Daily Mass.
- This song. On repeat.
- My parents coming to jump my car that randomly died (why not?) for no explicable reason. The mechanics can’t find anything wrong with it. There was too much going on in my life to make time for my parents or deal with that situation – and this was God’s way of making it happen without me having to go over there which is more than I can handle right now.
- My new counselor (she is phenomenal by the way – more on that later too)… And her suggestion I see her again next week instead of in two weeks to get me through this goodbye.
- The smiling faces of the students I work with.
- The “how’s it going?” of my new boss and his constant encouragement.
- A coworker whose reply to my statement, “I’ve never had so many people worried about me,” was, “I’m not worried about you. I knew you would get through.”
- Drinks with a dear friend and the excitement of working for the same organization next year.
- 24. Because Jack Bauer.
- This text from a friend:
- The stories of people I know in Haiti on missions and babies dying from malnutrition.
- Someone I work with who assured me she has had goodbyes just as hard (aka I’m not a total idiot for how hard this is.)
- Another coworker who told me how capable she thinks I am.
- Me – because I look in the mirror and I see someone who is hurting an awful lot but knows she will come out of this stronger, who is brave enough to let herself feel all this, and who is fighting daily to get through this challenge. And because she can look in the mirror and see herself, feel compassion, talk to herself, and love herself – all things she couldn’t do a few years ago.
Moral of the Story:
- I’ve got a pretty incredible support system. It is a support – not a solution and often we look at them to be something they are not, but as a support system – they are rocking!
- God is going out of his way to show me he has got me.
- There are good things going on and all one has to do is look for them.
- This is hard. It is okay that it is hard. Fighting it doesn’t change it. This is life.
- There is healing yet to come. It will come, in time.
- This is recovery.