I don’t know what to write…
It seems like every five minutes my thought processes change.
That’s the word for it.
And change reveals things about us.
It reveals things we haven’t seen before.
I’m losing another part of my support system.
Last year my therapist.
This year my mentor, my boss… the person who was there when no one else was…
The one who launched me on the road to recovery…
Who accompanied me to my first therapy appointments…
Who looked at me and was honest enough with me to tell me I needed help…
The one who has eaten more meals with me than I can count over the last seven years.
It is good. I need to take this step.
But I am sad.
And it is revealing – revealing insecurities I haven’t faced yet.
Because she has been both a support and a crutch.
So that going back to therapy thing – s*** just got real.
We are digging deeper.
And some of these days have been really rough.
Till I remind myself that I am strong enough.
Then they are just rough.
Without the scary.
But real rough.
I told my therapist I didn’t want to start working again because when we dig deeper it triggers the need for control and the unhealthy coping mechanisms I have.
She agreed – and said it is the way through.
So I’m living triggered.
I’m living watching myself reach for coping mechanisms I haven’t reached for in a long while.
But I know they aren’t the solution.
I know the solution is forward.
It is deeper.
It isn’t easy not to fall into the fear that I’m getting worse.
But I remind myself I’m taking a step back to see clearer – not to go backwards.
It is rough though… Isn’t deeper supposed to avoid the chaos of the waves?
Isn’t it odd how these are always the moments when it is too hard to reach out?
It is too hard to explain what is really gone.
And the self-talk is self-critique for struggling.
When did struggling become bad?
But it all triggers the fears… the fears of going back.
I know I won’t – but then again – I didn’t think I would feel like this again.
That’s the point though – the feeling.
I am feeling.
Feeling what I was always too afraid to feel.
So… therapy should be fun on Tuesday…
At the end of the day, it isn’t about the struggle or not the struggle. It is about the courage to begin again tomorrow.