Off the Grid…

Because as I tried to  think of a title this started playing over and over in my head. (And now pizza sounds really good!)

I wish I had literally been off the grid for all this time I’ve been away… But I’ve once again literally been too busy to blog. (And there may have been a little shutting down coping in there – which isn’t really all that compatible with blogging – aka baring my soul to the world.)

All I’ve got for now is the top 30  things I learned during this summer amidst an incredibly hard goodbye and tons of transition in my life.

1.) Feeling is okay… Not just the day to day feeling – feeling the things  you are terrified of feeling… Feeling until it physically hurts. Feeling till you can’t cry anymore. And feeling my way through the events of this summer I’m hoping is going to give me the courage to feel the things I have been running from for so long – so I can really heal and really be free.

2.) Wine, cheese, prosciutto, and chocolate solo on the beach is not lonely.

3.) You can vacation while everything is not okay – without the pressures of day to day the emotions can just sit there raw and there is a freedom in it.

4.) Relapse is only relapse if you don’t stand back up. I relapsed hard a couple weeks ago – ate less than I  have for years. But I  decided I didn’t want to go there – and I  stood back up.

5.) When you allow yourself to be vulnerable – you can actually feel support. Counter intuitive – perhaps, but true nonetheless. I let people know how hard the transition this summer were for me and I’ve never felt more supported in my life.

6.) Picking at your face doesn’t resolve anything – you just hate yourself more. I reached for all my unhealthy coping mechanisms and reconfirmed they don’t work… just to be sure.

7.) True friends are one of the greatest gifts in this  world. They call you out, stand by you, believe in you, and love you for who you are.

8.) Running is my crack. I love it and it has been an amazing tool this summer. I’m having to be very careful as now I am coaching and doing double workouts a day. (Don’t worry my therapist is read in and we aren’t doing anything stupid.)

9.) Pride in my cross country team is an incredible feeling… It is pride in THEIR achievements, their determination, and their success.

10.) It is easier to be angry than to say  goodbye. Mourning someone who isn’t dying is rough… but it has given me a huge amount of compassion for those who mourn.

11.) Cross training does make a difference.

12.) People know my walk – working on mindfully walking.

13.) I tend to bulldoze/bite people’s heads off as a coping mechanism – I found out why the other day when I controlled it and almost cried instead. Still have to work on all of that.

14.) Seeing teenage girls struggle with eating disorders is incredibly difficult for me.

15.) Haven’t been able to be in touch with my parents much – it is too much to  handle right now. And I’m learning that is okay.

16.) Vacation at both the beginning and the end of summer is the way to do things.

17.) Riding bikes on cobblestones is both painful and difficult.

18.) It is possible to right at 10 page research paper in just four hours.

19.) One of my favorite places in Chicago is Cindy’s rooftop bar.

20.) No matter how many times you take the double decker tour in Chicago, you always learn something new.

21.) Read Death by Meeting if you have trouble with conflict in the workplace.

22.) Those traditional Mexican blouses are really practical – totally felt like I was barely wearing anything all day.

23.) When you plant flowers in the early summer and they all die for lack of water, never give up hope – I’ve got one plant that resurrected to prove it. There is always hope.

24.) Give things enough time and relationships you  never expected to heal may heal.

25.) There is nothing like a hug of a mother. We all need someone who can give us that hug.

26.) Even at your worst you can inspire others… don’t be ashamed to struggle because God can still use it to help someone else.

27.) An “I love you” from a child is always healing.

28.) Salt water is good for the body and the soul.

29.) When  you don’t have any more time for anything, it is surprising what happens when you simply have to make time for other things.

30.) I’m a different person and learning that I can be at peace even when everything isn’t  under control… So despite how difficult this  summer has been – I wouldn’t take it back.