Once again, I have about a zillion blog posts I could write… And no time to do it.
Here we are – a new job, going through some intense healing, transition at work, coaching, and figuring out more about myself every day.
I’ve had the support of an incredible mentor in working through some of the healing.
Opening up the ache of the past.
The pain I’ve run from for years.
The pain I’ve been afraid to feel.
The reason I keep myself busy… the reason I have an eating disorder… the reason I’ve been afraid to be alone… the reason for all my unhealthy coping mechanisms… the reason for many, many things in my life…
It is still healing but it is open now and I’m not afraid.
The healing takes time… and patience… but I trust. I know it will continue to take time.
But today at church I was holding a little one…
I also pray better holding a little one… because the amount of love I have for them… I know God has for me. And as I hold them, I know God holds me that same way.
The little one I held today is a pretty special kid, and he has a very spiritual little soul.
At some point as I prayed, I realized I wasn’t holding him… he was holding me… I wasn’t rubbing his back… he was rubbing mine…
As I prayed I felt Christ ask me, “Will you accept the mother I gave you?” The mother who has bipolar disorder… the mother I never know completely… the mother who is unreliable… the mom who I long to lay my head on her shoulder but just can’t… the mother it hurts to love.
As I prayed, little J lifted his head off my shoulder and looked at me. He asked me, “What did you say to Jesus?”
Yes, little one. I told Jesus, “yes.”