Sometimes there is too much to write about.
Sometimes you just have to live it because processing is a luxury that will come but has yet to arrive.
Sometimes emotional bandwidth is to short, so you just hold on for the ride.
Sometimes you resist the waves.
Sometimes you let them flow over you.
And sometimes – you know that in time it will all settle.
But in the meantime, you wait. And just let it happen around you.
The eye of the storm – that is where I hung out during my brother’s wedding a few weeks ago. Because the dichotomy of something so incredibly beautiful matched by the incredible pain of being all together again and the triggers it provoked was too much to try to sort out.
And it still isn’t there…
So for now I’m hanging out in the eye of the storm… waiting for it all to calm.
(And go figure – of course now would be when some guy decides it is a good time to pursue me… oh and that person I had to say goodbye to in the summer came in town to visit (hello emotions!) )
And the longing to reach for control is so strong… but I know that isn’t the answer…
So I keep waiting… Oh and hello holidays, bad timing – once again! So we are skipping town for the holidays… Because sometimes it is too much and that is okay. And sometimes we have to give ourselves permission… acknowledge that it being too much is not a mistake.
My spiritual director told me something a couple months ago – “N, you’ve got to accept your humanity.”
And the tears come… as I try to accept it wasn’t my fault I got hurt. I didn’t do something wrong that led me to get wounded. I wasn’t supposed to handle it all better – the high expectations, the perfectionism, the sensitivity, the bipolar parent, the unpredictability, the unpredictable environment, the lack of support, the emotional unavailability, etc, etc, etc… I wasn’t supposed to be able to handle it. It isn’t my fault I got hurt. I am human.
A year ago I started blogging again… sometimes I do… sometimes I don’t.
Tonight is one of those sometimes…