Sharpies

Sharpies

That dude running in sandals though…

For real…

There is nothing else I’ve experienced like pre-race jitters…

Today I ran with a different pain… not the pain of a lanced blister on my heel because I thought it was a good idea to wear Hunter boots a half-size too small yesterday…

The pain that burned today was on my arm…

Capture

For a couple years now, I write my intentions for every mile of my run on my arm. It provides focus during my race and something to pray for as I run.

Today was different.

Not only was I not intending to go out and run a PR… (My last month has been too emotionally draining – I was there physically but not mentally/emotionally.)…

I also only had one intention on my arm.

It was that big.

I carried her with me throughout the run.

I cried.

I’ve been where she is. Actually no… I was never admitted…

And running became an essential part of my recovery…

I never wanted to give up running, so I had to get better.

Running continues to be a key motivation for my proper fueling…

My legs ache tonight. (It might have something to do with running 13.1 and then walking 2 miles backwards on the course to pace my trainer for her final leg of the relay for the full.)

My heart aches more.

Heartache is not inherently bad. It is human.

Running from heartache is unhealthy. Running through heartache can be one of the most empowering things.

And as it turns out… the while I didn’t think I was emotionally or mentally there… Apparently the physical readiness – and perhaps the heartache – were sufficient. I came home with a PR.

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Flashbacks…

So… today of all days… this site I haven’t posted on since 2017 got a like…

All the reasons for which this is providential I cannot disclose or this wouldn’t be the space it is for me… a space that is even freer than my secret Pinterest boards on recovery or my Facebook posts which can only reveal part of what it is on my heart.

Image result for life is lived forward and understood backwards

It has been a week of flashbacks… for me and for others…

And only the pain of watching others relive memories has allowed me to not allow the pain to overwhelm me and suck me in…

Image result for painful memories

And the memories that the mind has protected itself from… come to the surface… so they can be healed…

The funny thing about being recovered… Really recovered… I do believe it is possible and I do believe I’ve beat the odds…

First you have to heal from the wounds that caused the disorder itself… then you heal from the disorder… then you heal from the wounds the disorder caused…

Or so I’m discovering…