Sharpies

Sharpies

That dude running in sandals though…

For real…

There is nothing else I’ve experienced like pre-race jitters…

Today I ran with a different pain… not the pain of a lanced blister on my heel because I thought it was a good idea to wear Hunter boots a half-size too small yesterday…

The pain that burned today was on my arm…

Capture

For a couple years now, I write my intentions for every mile of my run on my arm. It provides focus during my race and something to pray for as I run.

Today was different.

Not only was I not intending to go out and run a PR… (My last month has been too emotionally draining – I was there physically but not mentally/emotionally.)…

I also only had one intention on my arm.

It was that big.

I carried her with me throughout the run.

I cried.

I’ve been where she is. Actually no… I was never admitted…

And running became an essential part of my recovery…

I never wanted to give up running, so I had to get better.

Running continues to be a key motivation for my proper fueling…

My legs ache tonight. (It might have something to do with running 13.1 and then walking 2 miles backwards on the course to pace my trainer for her final leg of the relay for the full.)

My heart aches more.

Heartache is not inherently bad. It is human.

Running from heartache is unhealthy. Running through heartache can be one of the most empowering things.

And as it turns out… the while I didn’t think I was emotionally or mentally there… Apparently the physical readiness – and perhaps the heartache – were sufficient. I came home with a PR.

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A scraped windshield…

It is amazing how the little things can set you off…

Today a coworker scraped my windshield. The same coworker who had listened to me pour out my woes about a fight with my best friend last week.

I cried watching Gilmore Girls.

Sometimes it is the little things that mean more than anything else.

Last week my best friend turned on me. The girl who knows how much it would hurt. I was left crying at my desk, stunned. That ache is horrible.

She called me hours later and we talked, made up, even improved our friendship. But I still ached. Then in church on Sunday, as I begged God to show me what to do as I still ache, He told me to choose to love. To choose to love her because even though I hurt she deserves it.

I needed that. I needed someone who I know loves me dearly to hurt me. Why? Because it showed me what it is to choose to love. And I can apply that lesson to those who I need to love whose love in return I have not experienced.

I ached, but I’m learning to accept that ache. I’m learning to accept that life is not lived in not aching but learning to move forward through the ache…. Healing is not “not hurting” but learning to move forward despite the pain…

And I’m learning… little by little…

Crooked lines.

I’ve always been afraid of breaking. I’ve been afraid to love – not so much for fear of getting hurt – but because I was afraid that hurt would break me again… Like it did before. And I never want to go back to that broken place.

But healing doesn’t mean not hurting. Healing means that the pain will not take away my peace, that the pain will not overwhelm… that when I feel the pain breaking me, I will discover that I am held.

Presence.

That is what this Advent is all about. Presence.

And isn’t presence what I have ached for my whole life? Is it a longing to be known, loved, found, and seen. And isn’t that what the babe in the manger does?

How is it that I am discovering more and more what it means that he is coming because I am breaking?

Crooked lines.

And today, that was the counsel I received. As I knelt and poured out my soul… That because my friends turned on me and my fear was actualized, I’ve realized that I can walk through my worst fears of being unloved and rejected.

And it was that same priest who listened to my heartache today who scraped the snow off my windshield. I wouldn’t even have known it was him had I not walked out at that exact minute.

He makes the ways straight…